Have you ever been lost? Have an outdated GPS? Lost your keys? Or, simply lost yourself in a relationship? I have too, but more than that I lost myself. I lost my sense of direction. I lost time. I lost my ability to function. I lost my capacity to decipher reality. I lost Ashley.
In the beginning, back in June 2007 my family filed a missing person’s report with the police. My mother thought the worst when the detective called. Nobody knew what happened. Finally, the detectives discovered my whereabouts. I was jailed. I was 20 years old with no criminal history, but that changed when I experienced a breakdown.
A few months prior to my breakdown I was a junior at a private liberal arts university. I made the Dean’s List my freshman year. Thereafter, my academic excellence gradually declined. I was a student mentor, cross country team runner for three years, a youth assistant coach for home-schooled children, and also a youth church teacher for the AWANA (Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed) program. When I had my breakdown I dropped out of school, relocated, isolated, and developed excessive paranoia over associates and relatives.
One Sunday morning I got ready for church. I did not stay for the morning Bible study. I was afraid of my fellow church members, they seemed demonic and out to kill me. I went missing for a few days. During my absence I was in a daze and unable to think clearly. I did not trust anybody including family. I did not seek help, support, nor understanding. I did not know I was lost in mental illness until I was hospitalized a few months later. In jail, I lost track of time, understanding of my incarceration, and myself.
While I was in the psych ward of the jail I became catatonic. I did not move for several days. I laid in bed in my cell alone, thinking racing thoughts and sometimes no thoughts. The nurses, doctors, and guards did not forget me. My family did not forget me, but I did.
Finally, when I came back I remembered, and longed for my old self. The Ashley in school. The Ashley at work. The Ashley I used to be- sociable, ambitious, and creative. I did not know mental illness nor what recovery could look like. I used to desire my old mindset and life, but now I do not, because I created my new norm. Still, a part of me is that old Ashley, but with a different approach to life.
Today my norm is striving to live well in recovery, which looks like continuously trying to stay in a good place. I seek peace, not happiness, because happiness is fleeting. I aim to maintain a routine that includes praise and worship, light exercise, okay diet and sleeping habits, plus a lot of coping techniques to carry out checks and balances on my mood, thoughts, and actions. I was lost, but not forgotten. I hope others like me will accept that they were lost, but not forgotten. To my peers- keep striving to stay in your good place and run after recovery, you are not alone.
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God Bless You!