Stress worsens any medical condition which is no different for people living with mental illness. Medication helps lessen the symptoms, however, living with a brain disorder of any kind is challenging and requires more than pills. Even stress can penetrate the most effective treatment that generally controls the most severe symptoms.
Initially I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, but over the years it’s evolved into schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. That is schizophrenia and bipolar disorder combined. Symptoms of my diagnosis extend over a wide range of challenges. My symptoms led to isolation from those that I appreciate, value, and trust the most. Other symptoms included: delusions, anxiety, irritability, hallucinations, psychosis, mania, and depression, etc. Now I am working harder at crushing the spirit of depression.
Most days I aim to fulfill a series of self-care activities to boost my mood. I take medication, eat breakfast, and have a plan for the day. Moreover, I work hard at uplifting myself. I always need more energy, but the depression drains me regularly. Therefore, I journal, listen to motivational talks and sermons, read a chapter to gain knowledge, maintain good hygiene, and make time to praise my higher power. I acknowledge my spiritual army, recognize blessings, and ask for specific needs. My self-care routine demands a lot of time for me to have a good day. And, as my day progresses, I keep a record of daily tasks, no matter how insignificant they seem, which I call my “realistic journal,” opposed to my things to do list. I review my realistic journal to avoid beating myself up about not getting things done. Also, I reflect on it and then list what I am grateful for.
Despite my self-care rituals, work routine, family life, and treatment, which includes medication and therapy, I am still chained to depression. For the last couple of months I’ve had my doctor adjust my medication. I engage in therapy regularly. I’ve experienced relief for a moment, but my oversleeping, constant worrying, and low energy always returns. And, I am continuing on my depression drive no matter how hard I resist.
I overcame much and expect to overcome even more. Regularly, I fantasize about having great days with minimal effort. Waking up, jumping out of bed, getting ready for the day without the weight of depression, and requirement to activate my self-care program. I will continue to work at my recovery, medication management, and strengthen my coping skills. I am not able to perform like the fire I once was, but I am still burning at a low flame. Still, I have hope that I’ll feel better, and come out of this season of depression like before.
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