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Burning at a Low Flame

Have you ever tried to avoid an auto accident, but no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t stop the crash? Suffering with this season’s depression is like dodging a car only to accidentally hit another on the road. For over six months I’ve tried to manage depression by using my coping tools. Initially, my depression stemmed from a toxic workplace. Yet, due to the nature of my condition this stress aggressively activated low mood that progressed and continues to penetrate my mood even after removing myself from that environment.


Stress worsens any medical condition which is no different for people living with mental illness. Medication helps lessen the symptoms, however, living with a brain disorder of any kind is challenging and requires more than pills. Even stress can penetrate the most effective treatment that generally controls the most severe symptoms. 


Initially I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, but over the years it’s evolved into schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. That is schizophrenia and bipolar disorder combined. Symptoms of my diagnosis extend over a wide range of challenges. My symptoms led to isolation from those that I appreciate, value, and trust the most. Other symptoms included: delusions, anxiety, irritability, hallucinations, psychosis, mania, and depression, etc. Now I am working harder at crushing the spirit of depression. 


Most days I aim to fulfill a series of self-care activities to boost my mood. I take medication, eat breakfast, and have a plan for the day. Moreover, I work hard at uplifting myself. I always need more energy, but the depression drains me regularly. Therefore, I journal, listen to motivational talks and sermons, read a chapter to gain knowledge, maintain good hygiene, and make time to praise my higher power. I acknowledge my spiritual army, recognize blessings, and ask for specific needs. My self-care routine demands a lot of time for me to have a good day. And, as my day progresses, I keep a record of daily tasks, no matter how insignificant they seem, which I call my “realistic journal,” opposed to my things to do list. I review my realistic journal to avoid beating myself up about not getting things done. Also, I reflect on it and then list what I am grateful for.


Despite my self-care rituals, work routine, family life, and treatment, which includes medication and therapy, I am still chained to depression. For the last couple of months I’ve had my doctor adjust my medication. I engage in therapy regularly. I’ve experienced relief for a moment, but my oversleeping, constant worrying, and low energy always returns. And, I am continuing on my depression drive no matter how hard I resist. 


I overcame much and expect to overcome even more. Regularly, I fantasize about having great days with minimal effort. Waking up, jumping out of bed, getting ready for the day without the weight of depression, and requirement to activate my self-care program. I will continue to work at my recovery, medication management, and strengthen my coping skills. I am not able to perform like the fire I once was, but I am still burning at a low flame. Still, I have hope that I’ll feel better, and come out of this season of depression like before.


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