Overcoming Schizophrenia

Rough times. All relationships with deal them. What does that look like? Ongoing disagreements and arguing. Shifts in attitude and definition of personal space. That awkward silence and growing division. Ultimately, the invisible wall that creates distance. There are infinite reasons partners disagree. For those of us with health challenges such as schizophrenia this health problem creates another challenge in relationships that demands attention. Being Attentive and Understanding When I wasn't well and stuck in my depression these moments challenged my relationship as did other health-related situations. Bad days looked like being chained to the bed with less words to share. I recall my partner helping me overcome that period by continuously checking on me. While understanding I might not be in the mood to talk and giving me more space whenever I made that known. Some days I didn't feel like talking. I'd text and tell him that then follow up later on. Skipped Doses and Poo...

As we know society views schizophrenia in a disturbing manner. The general public does not know what schizophrenia is. If you're newly diagnosed, you may be susceptible to the negative beliefs that are prevalent. Accepting society's poor perceptions is the self-stigma.  Combating the Self-Stigma Believe it or not I've held self-stigmatizing thoughts too. I've thought because I have this condition nobody will want to be in a relationship with me. Over the years, I've gained insight into what this diagnosis is and isn't.  Educating oneself, like what you're doing now, on the facts that recovery is possible is vital. This fact is a powerful weapon to combat the stigma. Therefore, in turn refuting the self-stigma. It's essential we don't internalize the false information nor identify ourselves by our diagnoses. Yes, we have limitations, as everybody does, but our health problems do not have to steal the life out of us. Learning more about our health conc...

What happens when we take our medication at the wrong time of day? If we skip a dose, should we double-up? Are there any medications that a woman can take which will not harm the unborn child? Can medication prevent relapse? Talk to Your Doctor      These are just some of the questions we should ask our doctors to gain clarity. I've learned first-hand the trials and errors of not comprehending the facts and making poor decisions. Often, we wonder what the fine print says but don't investigate. Therefore, we ask our doctors questions without understanding what language they're speaking and leave their office with the same questions.     My medication cocktail changed over the years. In the past, I've been fortunate to be on a single medication to effectively treat my schizophrenia symptoms. While other times I've had to work diligently with my doctor to adjust my medication cocktail. For example, dealing with two anti-depressants or anti-psychotics at once in add...

     Growing up I skipped doses to control allergies, colds and headaches. Found alternative home remedies to defeat taking medicines. I didn't know that one day  all those times I wasn't taking medication I'd make up for it later.  Trial and Error      For years my doctor and I tweaked my medication cocktail. We'd try a combination which worked for a little while but then those good effects wore off and my depression and the negative symptoms returned- aggressively.  I've suffered in silence alone. In bed struggling for relief.     I've had to jump through hoops everyday for months at a time to have a good day. Followed a strict routine of exercising, meditation and prayer, listening to pep talks, journaling and checking in with family and friends while attending therapy and taking medications to manage my schizophrenia, bipolar and depression.  Appreciation for Medication      Now I take meds for headaches and ...

I'm grateful for my sanity- I've learned not to take it for granted. I'm grateful for my health insurance and effectiveness of my medications to keep symptoms at bay. More importantly, I'm grateful for my family and extended family (friends). I'm able to bounce back because I have a solid support system and treatment team. Modeling Recovery When my family and I learned about my schizophrenia we didn't know what to expect nor what recovery could look like. Back in 2007, when I was diagnosed, there weren't people- black nor white disclosing their illness on public platforms like YouTube and social media.      There was nobody to model recovery for me- being a young black woman. However, I saw the movie with Diana Ross- Out of the Darkness. A movie made for television about a young African-American female living with schizophrenia. In short, she dropped out of medical school and suffered with her diagnosis. Fortunately, she got involved in her recovery and star...

 Was there ever a time that you refused to take the meds and how did you finally decide to?  Thank you asking me this question, because it's common and a great discussion. Initially, I refused medication simply because I didn't understand why? One day they started giving me pills. Without a warning, lesson, explanation, handout, or anything! Kinda like, here take this with this tiny paper cup of water and open your mouth to prove it.       It was routine in jail, but I wasn't required to take meds like everyone else before. Therefore, I refused. This worked until one day they threatened to get others involved to force medicate me and administer an injection. I challenged them. Do it! - Was my attitude.       Guards dressed like the S.W.A.T. team rushed in and restrained me. They were quite dramatic because at that point I didn't put up a fight and just laid there while they restrained me. Eventually, when I came out of being stuck and fo...

The Let's Talk Project is funded by a grant from the Association for Psychological Science Fund for Teaching and Public Understanding of Psychological Science. The goal of Let's Talk is to share the expertise and experiences of BIPOC mental health researchers and providers, as well as clients living and thriving with mental health challenges. In 2008, I followed through on my sister's suggestion and started an online journal. I titled this blog, Overcoming Schizophrenia, because I didn't look at myself as a sufferer and victim- I'm a warrior.       Initially, I blogged anonymously sharing my story. I reflected on the events that led to my diagnosis and my dreadful experiences living with schizophrenia. I was frank, and still is, about my journey of recovery from day #1. Even though I didn't know what my life would look like I pressed forward by participating in group therapy and volunteering. I had some fears that were stigma internalized, and still have challen...

 In the previous blog article: "Depression: Lost Mail," I identified strategies to combat depression despite medication management where symptoms still dominate. Now I'll discuss ways that I manage lingering symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Medication is highly effective to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder for me. There are many pharmaceutical drugs that helps control symptoms. Classic symptoms of schizophrenia are hallucinations, delusions, and psychosis. Yet, several more symptoms take form which are not widely discussed enough. Typical symptoms of bipolar disorder include: mania, depression, mood swings, and more. Still, it is common for some of these symptoms to persist despite treatment. And, knowing the cues, studying the diagnosis, and learning myself is essential. I'll focus on lack of expression and tone of voice, irritability, and mood swings. First, lack of expression and tone of voice is a symptom of schizophrenia. A lot of times...

I made an error. My mind jumps on the merry-go-round. I think of everything, but potential solutions to fix it. I froze and a wave of negative thoughts about my mistake penetrated my entire body and energy. Shoulders stay high, my chest is tight, I maintain an unsteady breathing rate which broadcasts my internal chaos from the tone of my voice, alone. I sound like the blaring uneasiness of severe stress, worry, anxiety, discomfort, and dread.  I regain a moment of control and focus on fixing the issue. However, my stress level continues to rise as I meditate on the problem, and the perception I might have portrayed. Frantically, I make a call, send messages, and continue the vicious cycle in my mind.  Anxiety. I feel upside down whenever I go deeper in the dark forest of stress and worry. How can I manage to end the storm within? I put on the sounds of waves, but no relief comes of this because I cannot concentrate. I can’t meditate when my mind jumps like this. I research way...

Catatonic. Delusional. Psychotic. These are a few symptoms of schizophrenia, which I suffered, lived in, and endured through medication.  Catatonic was a place of immobility, distance, and lack of awareness. I experienced catatonia during my first breakdown at age 20. My breakdown led to my incarceration and hospitalization. My catatonic state of mind left me frozen, vulnerable, and lost. While I was catatonic time did not exist. I did not hold concerns related to hygiene, socialization, nor consequence. A jail nurse, Erwin, expressed my condition, in order, to persuade me into taking medication. Erwin said, “We had to drag you in your chair from the day room back to your cell, because you would not move... We rushed you to the emergency room three times to stick an IV in you, because you stopped eating and drinking... Please stop ignoring me... Would you take your medicine?” I did not move for hours, and maybe even for days. Doctors and nurses visited regularly. ...

There were a few consecutive days leading up to my grand finale of bad side effects to my antipsychotic medication that impaired my eye sight to the extent that I could not drive to my own doctor's appointment to get relief. Sometimes I would lose my ability to focus on the task at hand. I could sort of see, but not directly what was in front of me. I had a bad tendency of looking up, literately. I could not maintain eye contact with people or look down long enough to see the tasks I tried to do with my hands such as texting. The nerves behind my eyes would not let me concentrate, it was an uncomfortable, nerve-wrecking, stressful experience, which lasted more than two hours on and off, the worst of my experiences yesterday. Thankfully I had a great friend chauffeur me to go to my doctor's appointment and to wait for me, help me pick up my son from school, and drop off my prescription, and then pick it up from the pharmacy. For the last couple of weeks I've been tip toein...

How often do you confuse your mental health deterioration and physical ailments for your mental illness, opposed to the burdens that you put on yourself with an active lifestyle? Over the past few months I've struggled with the physical ramifications of "depression," or what I thought was my depression. I've had partial work days as the result of my fatigue and lack of energy. I've felt: drained, off balanced, and uneasy. In fact, I visited my mental health doctor and primary care doctor for help. My mental health doctor realized my poor sleeping habits were the outcome of lack of direction or not taking my medication as prescribed which was in the morning and NOT at night. Finally, when my primary care doctor performed several blood tests without issues he explained to me what my problems were, an "active lifestyle." Now, I know what I should do to help myself with this concern of lack of energy- continue to take my medication, resume taking vita...

Avoiding a crisis with the aid of medication or any form of treatment should always take precedence over convenience. I missed a couple of days of medication. I did not forget to take my medicine, instead I told myself it was not convenient. Therefore, I continued on with my busy schedule, and regretted it in the days to come. I followed up on taking my medicine after I starting experiencing the side effects of my antidepressant, my inability to maintain focus with my eyes. This discomfort prompted me to take my medication for the side effects and also my mental health medicine. Reflecting on my actions I know how careless and risky it was to opt out of taking my medication to treat my mental illness. I've had my share of bizarre thoughts, disconnection from reality, and psychosis among several other scary symptoms of schizophrenia. I generally motivate myself to stay compliant with my medication regimen because I do not want anyone to see me when I am in a state of confusi...

I take one anti-psychotic for my schizophrenia, one anti-depressant, and another med to counteract the side effects. I understand that my medication for schizophrenia is a lifelong commitment, however, I've heard from others that depression for some may be temporary.  With  that said, sometimes I feel like I do not need to take my anti-depressants, but I will not stop taking them until I get my doctor's support... To quickly tell you about my background with depression, I developed postpartum depression after the birth of my son. I started taking the anti-depressants a little over a year ago after experiencing some symptoms which were probably triggered by a lot of "good stress"- having a baby and managing my new way of life. I remember my symptoms of depression included having a frequent overwhelming feeling, intense anxiety, lack of motivation, poor diet, and sleeping more than usual among other symptoms. When I ...

Have you suffered with the side effects of your medication in silence? Despite the progress I've made in my recovery I still have setbacks. Recently, my doctor changed the dose of my medication and as a result I've been experiencing some side effects. Initially, I did not know I was experiencing side effects, and I assumed my concerns were happening because I was not taking my medication at the same time daily or that it may have only occurred as a result of me missing a dose. Moreover, I noticed the side effects were starting to bother me more and more to the extent that I had poor concentration which prohibited me from maintaining eye contact with others, and my ability to read, write, or do any type of work that required attention. Although these side effects were not as bad as some that I've had in the past such as feeling jittery or having restless legs, they were still bothersome to me. My lack of concentration bothered me very much because in the past people co...

I've been in recovery for over five years and have learned a lot about it along with my peers. To me, crucial steps to recovery are consistency, risk-taking, and trust. An individual must be willing to participate in their recovery and hold trust in their treatment team and treatment regimen- whatever that is. Before they get to a place of cooperation one must step outside of their comfort parameters trust their treatment team, and do something different to help themselves in recovery, and to also maintain that new lifestyle. For me, that was going to support groups. When I moved back to Atlanta I didn't have resources to engage in quality outpatient treatment programs, but I did have access to mental health care which I did take advantage of. I got involved in a patient assistance program by the pharmaceutical company and took part in the support groups led by my therapist in my local treatment center. I went there to 1) get out of my house, 2) socialize with people, and 3) ...

To me, living with schizophrenia is bittersweet it keeps me alert and aware of my mental illness, while at the same time I enjoy life despite my challenges. I am more cautious about my mental health and my antennas are always up. I must be mindful of the possibility of my symptoms flaring up, and to stop it immediately from recurring by sharing concerns with my therapist and psychiatric doctor. I am afraid that my symptoms may interrupt my current recovery lifestyle of living independently; therefore, I am compliant with the prescribed medication regimen my doctor recommends and adamant about taking it as directed to get the full benefit. Sometimes when I am home alone and I hear a faint sound, I pray it isn't a voice only in my mind, and I remain still to listen and to make sure it isn't. Other concerns is forgetting to take my medication. As described in a recent blog entry I used to skip doses if I forgot to take it in the morning time, which is when I take my medicine, ...

I've meditated, procrastinated, and had writer's block on a topic I've been wanting to discuss for a very long time. It is very personal and intimate to me. I understand and anticipate both positive and negative feedback as a result of this particular blog entry, because it is a very controversial topic among the mental health field- I will try to be straightforward. I am an advocate for women rights, including the choice to have an abortion, however, I am against abortion as a method of birth control. I also believe women who have a mental illness have a right to exercise this human privilege. However, I believe if a woman's health is in jeopardy as the result of any medical condition (not just mental illness) getting her healthy again takes precedence. Schizophrenia is manageable. In fact, it is like many other medical conditions in that it requires a lot- patience, resources, faith and commitment to endure- which is a huge responsibility a...

I, like many of my peers have experienced disturbing thoughts, anxiety, and have missed doses of medication when I should not have, over the past year. Part of me desires to be normal- I mean to not be dependant on medication daily- but I've experienced a glimpse of the consequences, which can be detrimental. I understand how critical it is to stay complaint even more so than a professional can express to me, because I've witnessed the dark side of Ashley, which has been out of control, out of character, and very scared. Some individuals get the wrong impression about me from my blog- some think I handle my illness perfectly or that I am too optimistic- when that is far from the situation. I was not diagnosed with all the answers- I, like my peers have challenges- and it took a lot of practice, effort, and support to get to where I am today. Yes, I am proud of my recovery and have come a long way with the support of treatment and others, however, I have s...

I am concerned that I may be slipping into depression that may get worse if untreated. Prior to the birth of my child I never had a bout with depression, but as my body changed so did my hormones and my susceptibility to depression. A few months ago I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and at the time I knew I needed extra support from my my treatment team. I knew I needed to focus on my mental health because my anxiety level was up and down, it was difficult to concentrate, and I felt extremely overwhelmed and afraid my mental illness would rear its ugly head and try to destroy my recovery accomplishments. I spoke my therapist who contacted my doctor and let them know I was coming in the next morning as a walk-in, which I did and we tweaked my medication. Now, its hard to focus and to carry out minor assignments, sometimes I feel anxious for no reason, I am extremely tired and sleep more than usual, and I feel like I am on a downward spiral. Yet, I have reason to be. I have ...