Now I Can See: Strategies to Manage Recovery

Although my mind was fading, my spirit was still fighting. I began to question myself. Why was everybody looking at me, bizarrely? I felt off-balance but was still pressing forward. Was I some bizarre storm that caused others to see me differently? Was I hallucinating? I examined my face and body in the mirror of the jail cell. I peeled off the tips of my fingernails. Is this real? I wanted to escape out of my skin.

I contemplated moving to another place. I wanted to leave my family, country, and the world I knew, in order, to start over. I began to think of creating a new identity. I would change my name, relocate to another country, and start a new life, but why? Why?! Then a thought struck me, clarity overcame me, and finally, I gained insight.

My body started trembling, and I started crying profusely. I was frightened, but suddenly reconnected. Reality hit me. My mind was warring with itself, and I was the victim- but also the instigator! As I became unstuck, I had an epiphany. God told me what everybody else already knew. (What's On My Mind? Coping Takes Work, Volume II by Ashley Smith)

Mental illness is an umbrella term for a wide range of conditions where symptoms stimulate a series of different sensations and perceptions which challenges an individual's awareness and ability to function. Recovery is a way of life that demands an individual to combat their mind wars and the evidence that we're winning the war against mental illness.

    My depression comes in cycles. Yet, sometimes I have good days. However, my bad days seem to dominate the highlights of those fleeting good moments sometimes. My depression causes me to struggle with the problem of being depressed, because my insight may be impaired where I don't recognize the severity of my being stuck and in a low mood. These are stressful seasons where my energy is forever running away from me and the negative self-talk reigns.

    Still, when I finally catch up and recognize my signs and the extended time I've been stuck and exhausted in it I go into autopilot mode by recycling my wellness tools. The first step to recovery for me is identifying the depression.

    For example, my aha moment was when I recorded my state of being. Literally, I wrote in my journal, "How I'm Doing (Depressed)." I made bullet points of all my signs and symptoms. I shared this list with my therapist. We discussed my pattern of depression which propelled me to prioritize my self-care plans. I took a step back from working for two days. I cleaned up my house, embraced the outdoors at the park, and redirected my focus on watching short funny episodes of cartoons.

To be specific on how I practice coping with depression to overcome the weight of getting out of bed, lack of motivation and negative thinking, I'll share some of my tips with you. First, I encourage myself to get out of bed, which I struggle with from time to time, by giving myself assignments and activities to look forward to. Once up I wash my face to wake myself up. Also, my therapist reinforces the need to manage hygiene. My therapist emphasized how showering is like washing away the depression. My motivation to wash off my depression was to appear well for my son. I don't want him to see me wearing the same clothes I wore when he left for school. So, I get dressed and ready.

    Another way to get out of bed is to care for a pet. My dog is my emotional pet. He pushes me to get me out of bed by being persistently vocal and in my face. He whimpers in my ear, jumps on the edge of my bed as if he were a machine in constant motion with no end. Therefore, I get up and this gesture immediately calms him, and we go outside.

    Again, negative self-talk is a common symptom of depression which I'm not immune to. When I notice my negative slant I let my negativity have a moment. Then I shut that poor thinking pattern down. Just earlier today, I fought my negative thinking by doing fact-checking. I looked at the evidence of me doing the best I can. And, I went back to my journal. "Ashley, I am proud of you for..." I listed those things I did well during the week. Looking at the list reassured me that I was winning my battle against depression.

    While depression is one of my ongoing challenges, the voices are a battle for many with my condition. I urge my peers to develop coping skills that way when confronted with symptoms we can build resistance to reduce the intensity of them while increasing confidence in our ability to cope and function. And, to strengthen our resiliency. 

    Here are a couple of videos that spreads awareness on ways to cope with the voices:

1. "Hearing Voices and Hallucinations: Juno's Story" (Mind, the mental health charity)

2. "Coping Skills for Hearing Voices" (Thee Art of Cupid)

    Finally, I've been in recovery since 2007 and work as a certified peer specialist (CPS) to support my peers in recovery. I've held this position since 2012. It requires me to take classes every year to develop insight about mental illness and how to develop self-awareness to overcome internal challenges and to guide others. Even though I'm a peer counselor, I still struggle as you know. It's easier for me to identify other people's concerns and solutions while not being able to access my own so quickly. 

    However, I am hopeful. I've come a long way in my recovery and still have much to learn. While my illness isn't fair, I strive to be fair to myself. by utilizing these tips. I hope they were helpful to you too. Lastly, I understand that by living with a diagnosis, self-awareness can be extremely difficult to maintain, but with support and coping tools we can manage recovery, one battle at a time, and see the glass half full. There's hope for us, just keep battling.