Detrimentally in Denial

"I am NOT sick!" I shouted at the nurse. "You are sick. We had to send you to the emergency room three times to stick an IV in you because you were not eating. Yesterday, the guard had to drag you in your chair back to your room because you would not get up and return to your room. You are sick," said Urwin... followed by my silence. "Will you please take your medicine now?" said the nurse.

There were so many incidents such as this that I am finally able to put together with the help of my family. On one of the incidents when I had to go to Court, I refused to put my shoes on. They did not know, nor did I, that I was catatonic. They ended up strapping me down to the wheelchair, arms and legs. I went to Court that day, barefoot. I learned from my mom that this was so unexpected by everyone and caused an uproad in the courtroom. This probably does not happen much but even the District Attorney, whose job is to slam me, remained silent and accepted whatever recommendations my attorney recommended.

My mother told me later, there was so much compassion, from the Judge, to the Bailiff, to the Court Clerk, and again, the District Attorney. This is the hearing where they requested Penal Code 1370, that made me incompetent to stand trial, and ordered a psychological evaluation to determine what they were going to do with me. My mother, my grandfather, and my aunt were in Court sharing this emotional moment. Well, emotional for them, but I was emotionally removed from the entire situation. My mother told me that while this court session was going on I sat in the wheelchair, still. Did not move, did not lift my head, nothing. She believed, in fact, that if a bee would have even stung me during this time, I would not have even flinched. Up until this time everyone believed I had been on drugs and that was my problem. My mother told them that I was antidrugs and NO, that was not the case, that I was sick.

Yes, I was catatonic, because I was praising God. I had remembered in my Bible readings that I was supposed to stay still and "praise God." I did not eat, because I thought they poisoned my food or that there were bugs in my food. I was not showering, because I thought that the soap would burn my skin. I was not taking care of myself.

"Ashley, you need someone to represent you, and whatever problems you have with me we have to deal with that later. But right now you're out there by yourself, you need to let me help you" my mother pleaded me.

I had a straight blank look on my face, and I ignored mother's advice, again.

Finally, they forced me, or court-ordered me, to take my medicine by having the SWOT team hold me down while the nurse gave me a shot in my behind. This routine went on for quite a while until I finally gave in and took the oral form of the medication. I found out later that my mother had to encourage my attorney to have the Judge actually mandate that I take medication because I was slipping away.

I am no longer in denial about my illness. I accept the fact that I have a serious mental illness, and that it requires medication to recover. I am taking a drug called Abilify that gets rid of my symptoms.

I am using this blog to heal, network, and to reach others out there with sicknesses. I never ever want to go back to where I was, hearing voices, etc. If there is anyone out there debating, or neglecting their medication, PLEASE take your medication. Where I am right now, versus where I was is like night and day. Now understanding that I am not completely healed, it is an ongoing process, but I would not be able to do the things I am doing right now without treatment.

There are so many other horror tales I could share with you and maybe I will as we go along. But, nevertheless, understand I am so thankful for medication.